Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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