Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
