she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
