I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
