i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
