textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
