just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
