It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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