What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
