my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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