The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
