My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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