I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize