"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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