hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
