omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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