so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
