if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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