I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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