fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
