I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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