my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
