drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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