I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
