Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
