i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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