I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
