Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
