Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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