Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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