I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Randomize
