ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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