Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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