I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
