Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
