Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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