i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
