is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize