i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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