idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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