My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
