I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
