I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
