She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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