My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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