those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
