Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
