I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
