Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
