Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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