i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
