Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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