I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
