I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
