ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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