why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You had me at "let me see your balls"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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