The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
