I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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