life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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