Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
not ubering you a puppy
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
