but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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