Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
